I had every intention of doing absolutely nothing today.
Yesterday was emotionally draining and exhausting, and I decided I deserved a day where I didn’t have to accomplish anything. Apparently the universe had other plans because at 10 this morning, I was woken up by a tornado warning.
So that was fun.
Thankfully, nothing too crazy happened. The storm itself wasn’t even that bad, which made being jolted awake by a tornado warning feel slightly dramatic. But I was awake, so I guess my planned day of doing nothing had officially begun.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist for my medication, and that went well. I see him every three months because I have to keep up with my Adderall and antidepressant prescriptions. It’s one of those routine things that has to happen, and right now I’m actually pretty proud of myself for staying on top of my medications through all of this.
After that, a friend called me, and somewhere during that conversation I got this unexpected burst of energy.
So I went downstairs.
My shop has been one of the things bothering me because it’s such a mess right now. I have so much inventory, so many supplies, and approximately four billion beads and charms that need to be sorted and organized. Okay, maybe not four billion, but if you saw the amount of beads I currently own, you might believe me.
I ended up knocking out a pretty good chunk of bead sorting today. There’s still plenty left to do, but I can actually see progress. And going through everything has started getting my creative brain moving again too. I have so many beads and charms I forgot I even had.
So yes, there will definitely be some new stuff coming.
I also finally made a decision about Whatnot.
I moved all of my shows to September.
I keep scheduling a comeback show because part of me thinks I should be back by now. My business matters to me, and live selling has been an important part of it. But every time the day of the show arrives, I realize I’m just not there yet.
I’m not “on” right now.
And Whatnot requires me to be on.
I have to talk. I have to sell. I have to joke around and be my goofy, quirky self. I don’t want to sit in front of a camera pretending I’m in a relatively good mood when I’m carrying this much pain.
Will I magically feel better in September?
Probably not.
But at least more time will have passed. Maybe I’ll be a little more functional. Maybe I’ll be able to turn the camera on without feeling like I’m performing a version of myself that doesn’t currently exist.
So September it is.
There’s still so much hanging over my head before then anyway. I have to go downtown and file my mom’s will. I have another bank to deal with. At some point, I have to start dealing with my parents’ house, which is an entirely separate emotional mountain I haven’t even begun to climb yet.
But right now, my biggest focus is my own house.
I want my home back to a place where I can work here, lounge here, create here and just be me here again.
That’s taking time.
I’m doing a little bit every day. Some days that means putting together a shelf. Some days it means sorting inventory. Some days the only thing I accomplish is feeding myself, taking my meds and taking care of Beaker.
But today I did more than a little.
And I’m proud of myself for that, especially considering I started the day fully intending to accomplish absolutely nothing.
There’s a decent chance my body will make me regret all this tomorrow. Although losing 65 pounds has definitely made me less achy overall, the storms over the past few days have not been particularly kind to me. I’ve got a nice round of what I call the fibro zaps going right now. They feel like little electrical shocks shooting through my arms, legs, hands and feet, and they tend to get worse at night.
Because apparently my body likes to keep things interesting.
My therapist also asked recently if I’ve been sleeping.
Surprisingly, I am.
I’m sleeping a lot better than I expected I would be. I still have nights when sleep just isn’t happening, but honestly, I’ve always had trouble sleeping. ADHD and sleep have never exactly been best friends.
So I think I’m sleeping my version of normal.
I’ll take it.
I don’t know. I’m rambling again.
But maybe that’s what these posts are going to be sometimes. My brain dumping everything that happened today onto a page and trying to make some sense of it afterward.
I took my meds.
I fed myself.
I took care of Beaker.
I went to my appointment.
I talked to a friend.
I worked in my shop.
I sorted an ungodly number of beads.
And I made a decision to stop pressuring myself to perform before I’m ready.
For a day when I intended to do absolutely nothing, I did quite a lot.
I’d call today successful.
Tomorrow?
We’ll see.
