August 30, 2026

Today’s update.

Today was kind of like that.

I got up, did the basics and actually managed to get some things done. I finally finished hanging the wallpaper in my office, which is a sentence I never thought I’d be particularly proud of because, let’s be honest, it looks like shit.

But I’m not worried about it.

Once I get the shelves hung and start putting my collectibles and other stuff back up, most of the questionable wallpaper work is going to be covered anyway. And honestly, it looks 100 times better than it did before. The wall was covered in patches from years of holes and things being moved around, so even imperfect wallpaper is a massive improvement.

Besides, perfection isn’t really the goal right now.

Progress is.

I also got some more things uploaded to the shop, so that’s another little bit of forward movement.

I’m still scheduled to do my pre-comeback Whatnot show on Tuesday, although I honestly don’t know if I’m ready yet. I may move it again.

I really want to try.

I need to find some motivation somewhere. I need to start getting back into the things that make me feel like me, and streaming is part of that. But there’s a huge difference between wanting to do something and actually being emotionally ready to turn on a camera and be myself in front of people.

I don’t know if I’m there yet.

Maybe I’ll do it Tuesday.

Maybe I won’t.

I’m going to try not to beat myself up either way.

Because today was a perfect example of how unpredictable this whole thing still is.

I can be standing in my office putting up wallpaper, thinking about the shop, thinking about streaming and feeling like I’m actually getting somewhere.

And then…

Boom. Tears.

Just like that.

No warning.

No obvious trigger.

I’m fine until suddenly I’m not.

That’s grief, I guess.

I managed to do a few things around the office and the shop, and then eventually I just gave up and went back to bed.

Not because I was physically exhausted.

Because emotionally, I was done.

And that’s okay.

A Little Community

I did stop by a friend’s Whatnot show tonight, and that was actually really nice for a while.

There’s something comforting about being around people who know you, even if you’re just sitting behind a screen watching everyone else do their thing.

For a little while, I felt like I was part of the community again.

But eventually even that became a little too much, so I logged off.

I think I’m learning that I can participate without forcing myself to stay.

I don’t have to prove that I’m okay.

I don’t have to stay until the end.

I can show up for a little while, enjoy myself and leave when I need to.

That’s probably a lesson I should have learned a long time ago.

So now I’m sitting here writing this instead.

Tomorrow I have an appointment, and I’d like to get a few more estate errands taken care of before the end of the day.

But I’m also considering making tomorrow an easy day.

I don’t know yet.

Maybe I’ll wake up with energy and decide to knock everything out.

Maybe I’ll wake up and decide that none of it can possibly be more important than resting.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

That’s becoming a bit of a theme around here.

I don’t know what tomorrow will look like.

I don’t know if I’ll stream Tuesday.

I don’t know exactly when I’ll finish the office.

I don’t know when the house will finally feel like mine again.

I don’t know when the grief will stop knocking the wind out of me without warning.

But I do know that today I got up.

I took care of the basics.

I worked on my office.

I worked on my shop.

I spent some time with my community.

And when I couldn’t do anymore, I stopped.

Maybe that’s okay.

Maybe this is what doing better actually looks like right now.

Not being happy.

Not being completely functional.

Just being able to have a few good moments before the tears come, and then getting back up again when I’m ready.

For now, I’m going to try to get some sleep.

Tomorrow is another day.

We’ll see what it brings.