September 3, 2026
Today was one of those weirdly mediocre days where I technically got things done, but I still don’t feel like I accomplished much.
I had my meeting with my estate attorney to start getting my own affairs in order.
That was interesting.
I know it’s smart to prepare. I know everyone should have their important documents figured out before there’s ever an emergency. I spent years dealing with my parents’ paperwork, healthcare directives, wills, financials and all the other stuff that becomes very important very quickly when someone gets sick or dies.
So yes, logically, I know this is a good thing.
Emotionally?
I fucking hate it.
After losing so much in the last year, thinking about my own mortality terrifies the shit out of me. I am not ready to go anywhere right now. I have too much I still want to do. Too much I still want to make. Too many places I still want to see. Too much life I still want to live.
So sitting down and talking about what happens when I die feels very different now than it probably would have a few years ago.
I guess preparing doesn’t mean I expect something to happen.
It just means I’m trying to make things easier someday for whoever has to deal with everything after me.
Still.
I don’t like it.
Office Progress
Once the attorney meeting was over, I did a few more things in the office.
I’ve actually made a significant dent in there.
Every day it looks a little more like the space I’ve been trying to get back. There’s still plenty to do, but I can finally see what it’s supposed to become instead of just seeing boxes, clutter and unfinished projects everywhere I look.
That feels good.
I had planned on going to the cemetery tomorrow, but I changed my mind because apparently Mother Nature has once again forgotten what month it is and it’s supposed to be really fucking hot.
I’m aiming for Sunday instead.
Maybe.
I still haven’t been back there since the funeral.
I know I’ll go.
I just don’t want my first trip back to involve me standing outside in miserable heat while already trying to manage whatever emotions show up.
So Sunday it is.
Hopefully.
My Body Would Also Like Attention
Today wasn’t particularly busy after that.
I ended up taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon because I had a really bad headache, and I’m still not feeling the greatest tonight. I think I’m going to take a nice shower before bed and try to get to sleep relatively early.
Hopefully my brain cooperates.
That has been very hit or miss lately.
Tomorrow I also need to call and make an appointment with a new ENT because I really need to figure out what the hell is going on inside my nose.
I developed some sort of wound that refuses to heal, and wearing my CPAP over it hurts like hell. So for now I’ve been sleeping propped up on a wedge pillow because using the CPAP has become too painful.
I had already seen an ENT about it, but that appointment was a complete waste of my time.
My pain was dismissed, and I was spoken down to.
Of course, it was a male doctor.
I’m sorry, but this keeps happening.
Women say something hurts, something feels wrong or something has changed in their body, and way too often the response is some version of, “Are you sure?”
Yes.
We’re fucking sure.
Listen to us.
Even my own doctor has mentioned that many of her female patients specifically ask for referrals to female physicians because they’re tired of feeling dismissed.
That’s exactly what I did.
I asked for a new ENT, and I asked for a woman.
Maybe she’ll actually listen when I say something is wrong instead of treating me like I’m exaggerating my own pain.
Seriously, men.
Do better.
And Apparently I’m Collecting Specialists Now
After the ENT, I need to make an appointment with cardiology for a workup.
Nothing dramatic.
I just want to make sure the old ticker is doing what it’s supposed to do.
Then there’s the genetics specialist for my Alzheimer’s risk assessment.
That’s the appointment I’m probably the most anxious about.
I’m hoping the evaluation gives me reassuring answers and that this eventually becomes something I don’t have to spend much time worrying about.
I’ve already watched what Alzheimer’s can do to someone you love.
I don’t particularly want to spend the rest of my life wondering if the same thing is waiting for me.
So I’d rather get information.
Information gives me something to work with.
Even if getting that information means adding yet another doctor to my increasingly ridiculous appointment calendar.
I swear, I like staying busy.
I just wish “busy” didn’t always mean going to another fucking doctor.
Can I be busy doing something fun?
Can I have an appointment to paint something?
An appointment to buy beads?
Actually, no.
I absolutely do not need an appointment to buy more beads.
We have established this.
Anyway, today was fine.
Not good.
Not bad.
Just fine.
I handled something important for my future.
I made a little more progress in my office.
I rested when my body told me to.
And tomorrow I’ll start making more appointments because apparently this is my life now.
For tonight, I’m going to shower, get comfortable and hopefully sleep.
The cemetery can wait until Sunday.
The doctors can wait until tomorrow.
And everything else can wait until after I’ve had some fucking rest.
Bye!