September 5, 2026
I really thought today was going to be a better day.
It wasn’t.
I don’t know if this is depression, if I’m genuinely not feeling well, if I’ve pushed myself too hard lately, or if it’s some unholy combination of all three. Whatever it is, I could not find the energy to do much of anything today.
I slept until almost 4 p.m.
I did briefly get up around 8:30 this morning to take my meds, feed Beaker and let him outside, but after that I crawled right back into bed and apparently my body decided we were done participating in Saturday.
When I finally got up around four, I managed to eat something.
So the basics happened.
Not particularly gracefully, but they happened.
Now I’m sitting in bed sorting my Monopoly token collection because apparently organizing hundreds of tiny metal game pieces is about the level of productivity my brain is capable of today.
Honestly, I’ll take it.
At least I accomplished something.
Heavy
That’s really the only word I can find for how I feel today.
Heavy.
Emotionally drained. Physically exhausted. Like someone turned gravity up a few notches and forgot to tell me.
I don’t even know how to explain it properly because there isn’t necessarily one specific thing wrong today. I’m just tired in a way that sleep doesn’t seem to fix.
Maybe I’ve been pushing myself too much.
I’ve been trying really hard not to sit inside the grief all day every day. I’ve been working on the house, organizing my office, getting the shop together, dealing with estate stuff, going to appointments, writing, making plans and trying to build some kind of routine again.
Basically, I’ve been trying to do life stuff so I don’t spend every waking moment thinking about how much I miss my mom.
Maybe my brain finally called bullshit.
Maybe all of that distraction still takes energy, even if it feels better than lying in bed crying.
Maybe this is my body’s way of saying, Hey asshole, could you slow down for five fucking minutes?
Apparently.
I thought I was getting the whole day-by-day thing down.
Turns out I’m still terrible at it.
No surprise there.
Tomorrow
I’m going to try to go to the cemetery tomorrow.
I’ve been saying that for a while now, and I still haven’t brought myself to do it.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day.
I’m not going to force it. If I get there, I get there. If I don’t, I’ll try again another day.
That’s probably the healthiest sentence I’ve written in this blog, and I hate it.
Monday is a holiday, so I don’t think I’m going to plan much for that day either.
Maybe laundry.
Yes, Mount Laundry is returning.
I said I was going to get myself back into a weekly routine, and then last week happened and that absolutely did not occur.
So perhaps Monday we conquer it again.
Perhaps.
And Then There’s Spain
There’s also an event happening in Spain in October with some of my favorite Spanish actresses.
And I kind of want to go.
Okay.
I really kind of want to go.
Part of me thinks maybe getting away and doing something completely different is exactly what I need right now. Something exciting. Something that has nothing to do with doctors, grief, estates, paperwork or cleaning my house.
Just get on a plane and go experience something.
But October is also 31 Days of Halloween.
And I love 31 Days of Halloween.
This will be Season 7, and over the years it’s become one of those projects I genuinely look forward to. It’s creative. It’s ridiculous. It gives me an excuse to make spooky shit for an entire month.
Technically, I could skip a few days.
The Halloween police probably aren’t coming to arrest me.
But I don’t know if I want to.
Maybe there’s a way to do both.
Maybe there isn’t.
Maybe I shouldn’t be planning international travel while I’m lying in bed sorting Monopoly tokens because I slept until 4 p.m.
Details.
We’ll see.
I feel like I’m saying “we’ll see” a lot lately.
Probably because that’s the only honest answer I have for most things right now.
Will I go to the cemetery tomorrow?
We’ll see.
Will I do laundry Monday?
We’ll see.
Will I suddenly fly to Spain in October?
We’ll see.
Will I wake up tomorrow feeling significantly better than I do today?
God, I fucking hope so.
For tonight, though, I’m not going to force anything.
I’m going to finish sorting a few Monopoly pieces, take a shower and try to get some decent sleep.
Maybe my brain and body are simply asking me to stop for a minute.
Maybe I should actually listen.
The ideas are still there. The projects are still there. My office and shop aren’t going anywhere. Neither is 31 Days of Halloween.
I don’t have to rebuild my entire life in one month.
Apparently I need to keep reminding myself of that.
So today was heavy.
Tomorrow might be lighter.
And if it isn’t, I guess we’ll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.
Day by day.
Still hate it.
Still doing it.