September 6, 2026
Today was better.
Not amazing. Not wildly productive. Not some giant breakthrough where I suddenly woke up feeling like myself again.
But better.
And after the last couple of days, I’ll take better.
I had another rough night of sleep. I was up for most of it and managed to get maybe three hours total, which is obviously not ideal. My sleep schedule has been all over the place lately, and at this point I feel like my brain has just decided nighttime is for thinking about every possible thing at once.
Despite that, I got up and went to the cemetery with one of Mom’s caregivers.
I’ve been avoiding going back.
I kept telling myself I would go, then finding reasons not to. Some of those reasons were legitimate. The weather was awful. I wasn’t feeling well. I was exhausted. But if I’m being truthful, part of me just wasn’t ready.
Today I went.
And surprisingly, it helped.
I thought being there might make everything feel worse. I thought seeing their names and standing in front of where my parents are would just hammer home the fact that they’re both gone.
Instead, I felt calmer.
There was something comforting about being near them.
I know logically that they’re not just that place. They’re in my memories, my house, my art, my writing and every ridiculous little thing that reminds me of them. But standing there today still made me feel close to them in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I’m glad I went.
Maybe I needed to stop being afraid of what being there would feel like and just let myself feel whatever showed up.
Today, what showed up was a little peace.
I could use more of that.
A Little Shop Progress
When I got home, I did a few things in the shop.
Not much.
I’m still feeling kind of blah, and three hours of sleep certainly didn’t turn me into a productivity machine. But I got a few things done, which is more than I managed the last couple of days.
So again, I’ll take it.
I’m starting to notice that my definition of a successful day has changed dramatically.
A successful day used to mean I crossed fifteen things off a list.
Now sometimes it means I left the house, did one thing that scared me, worked for a little while and didn’t completely emotionally collapse afterward.
Different standards.
Same stubborn person.
Then Beaker Tried to Give Me a Heart Attack
Because naturally we couldn’t have a relatively calm day without Beaker deciding to spice things up.
The little dickhead almost ran off.
One minute everything was fine, and the next I was apparently participating in an unexpected cardio and agility test courtesy of my dog.
Thankfully, his recall is actually pretty good.
Once he realized his grand adventure wasn’t going quite the way he imagined, I called him and got him back within a few minutes.
A few very long minutes.
Apparently Beaker looked at me today and thought, You know what Mom needs? A burst of adrenaline.
Thanks, buddy.
Really appreciate it.
I guess I can confirm that I am still capable of moving very quickly when sufficiently motivated.
So that’s something.
Dick.
But seriously, I’m incredibly grateful he came back when I called. That could have gone very differently, and I don’t even want to think about that.
He is currently forgiven.
Mostly.
Better
Today wasn’t a totally shit day.
That feels worth saying.
I barely slept. I’m still tired. I’m still grieving. I’m still feeling a little emotionally and physically drained.
But I went to see my parents.
And instead of destroying me, it helped.
I worked in the shop for a little while.
Beaker attempted an escape and successfully reminded me that my cardiovascular system still functions.
And tonight I feel a little better than I did yesterday.
Not fixed.
Not healed.
Just better.
I think I’m finally understanding that sometimes that’s all I’m looking for.
Not some giant leap forward.
Just a day that hurts a little less than the one before it.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Hopefully more sleep.
And significantly fewer Beaker escape attempts.