August 8, 2026
If you’ve been following along with the posts leading up to this one, we’ve officially reached the present.
Everything I’ve shared so far was originally written on my personal Facebook during the days and weeks surrounding my mom’s death. I wanted to bring those posts here without rewriting history because they show exactly where I was at different moments. Some days I accomplished things. Some days I didn’t get out of bed. Some days I laughed. Some days I cried. Most days were some combination of all of it.
But now we’re here.
This is today.
Today’s update is a little different.
I’ve spent a good portion of the day in bed researching and thinking about my future. Not exactly the most exciting Saturday, but apparently this is where my brain has decided to go.
One of the things I’ve been thinking seriously about is my own risk of developing Alzheimer’s.
My mom developed Alzheimer’s in her 80s, but there are also several people on her side of the family who developed it much younger, including cousins who were diagnosed in their early 60s. Having a family history doesn’t automatically mean there is a genetic cause, and I understand that. But there’s enough history there that I want to know more.
I have a doctor’s appointment on August 21, and I plan to discuss genetic evaluation and what options I have for better understanding my own risk.
There are other things I’ve been thinking about too. Diabetes, cardiac risk and even ADHD have all made me think more about brain health and what my future could potentially look like. I don’t want to obsess over something that may never happen, but after watching Alzheimer’s take my mom from me little by little, I also don’t want to pretend the possibility doesn’t scare the absolute shit out of me.
Because it does.
Losing my mind terrifies me.
The idea of someday being confused and scared, not understanding where I am or who is around me, scares me. The possibility of being unable to advocate for myself scares me. And after spending so much time trying to keep my mom out of a nursing home and making sure she was cared for and protected, the thought of someday being alone and dependent on strangers for my own care is difficult for me to even contemplate.
So I want information.
Not because knowing my risk will allow me to predict my future, but because information gives me the ability to make decisions about it.
It’s also made me think a lot more seriously about where I want that future to happen.
I’ve talked about moving to Spain for years. It isn’t some completely new idea born out of grief. But lately, it has started feeling less like something I talk about doing “someday” and more like something I genuinely want to make happen.
There are practical reasons. There are business reasons. There are cultural reasons. There are personal reasons.
And now there are also questions about what aging, healthcare, autonomy and end-of-life care could look like for me.
Illinois recently passed an aid-in-dying law, but it applies to people with terminal illnesses who are expected to die within six months. That doesn’t necessarily address the kind of future I’m afraid of when I think about dementia.
Spain approaches some of these questions differently, including circumstances involving advance directives and a later loss of decision-making capacity. That has given me even more to research and think about as I consider where I eventually want to live and grow older.
I’m not making decisions based on fear.
I’m trying to make them based on knowledge.
Right now, I don’t know what my genetic risk is. I don’t know what the doctor will recommend on August 21. I don’t know whether testing will give me answers or simply give me more questions.
But I want to have the conversation.
Watching my mom live with Alzheimer’s taught me a lot about caregiving, dignity, autonomy and just how quickly life can change. Losing her has made me think about my own life in ways I probably wasn’t ready to think about before.
And somewhere in the middle of all this grief, I’ve realized something else.
I still want a future.
I want to keep building FRDCreations. I want to create art. I want to write. I want to travel. I want to see my family in Italy. I want to explore Spain and seriously consider making a life there. I want to build the things I’ve spent years dreaming about.
I want to know what risks may be waiting for me, but I don’t want those risks to stop me from living in the meantime.
So that’s where I am today.
Still grieving my mom.
Still trying to figure out who I am without being her caregiver.
Still researching everything because apparently that’s one of the ways I cope.
And for the first time since starting this blog, there are no more old Facebook updates waiting to catch us up.
We’re here.
August 8, 2026.
From this point forward, I don’t know what happens next.
I guess we’ll find out together.