August 17, 2026, 2:00 a.m.
Of course, of all nights, I can’t fucking sleep.
It’s 2 a.m. My stomach hurts because I took my Mounjaro shot earlier, my brain has apparently decided that shutting the hell up is optional tonight, and tomorrow, or technically later today, I’m supposed to go downtown to file my mom’s will.
Fantastic timing all around.
I even got into bed early tonight because I knew I needed to be up and functioning. Instead, I’ve been tossing and turning for hours. I’m uncomfortable, my stomach hurts, my body hurts and my brain is doing that wonderful thing where it just keeps going even though I’ve repeatedly asked it to please shut the fuck up.
I didn’t even sleep all day today. There should be absolutely no reason I’m this awake right now, yet here we are.
At this point, I may have to push the trip downtown to Tuesday. I don’t want to keep putting it off because I know it has to get done, but dragging myself downtown on no sleep while I don’t feel well probably isn’t the smartest idea either.
I’ll figure that part out when the sun comes up.
The part that’s bothering me more tonight is that I have to go alone.
People tell you they’ll be there for you. They tell you to call if you need anything. They tell you not to hesitate to ask.
So I finally asked.
This is actually the first time since my mom died that I’ve really asked someone to come with me for something because I didn’t want to do it alone.
And nobody can come.
I understand that people have lives. They have jobs, responsibilities, schedules and their own shit going on. I know the world doesn’t stop because mine did.
But it still hurts.
There’s this shitty little voice in my head tonight saying, Lesson learned. Don’t ask. Just do everything yourself.
I know that’s probably not the healthiest conclusion to draw from one situation, but it’s 2 a.m., I’m pissed off, my stomach hurts and this is a rant, so we’re not exactly aiming for emotional enlightenment here.
I’m tired of doing hard things.
Not physically tired apparently, because MY BRAIN WON’T FUCKING GO TO SLEEP, but emotionally tired.
I’m tired of paperwork that exists because my parents are dead. I’m tired of banks. I’m tired of accounts. I’m tired of wills. I’m tired of certified copies. I’m tired of having another administrative task waiting for me every time I finish the one before it.
And Cook County certainly isn’t helping.
I can’t just file the damn thing online. I can’t take it to another courthouse that’s easier for me to get to. I can mail it in, but I need certified copies, and waiting for everything to make its way through the mail would take longer than I want.
So downtown I go.
Eventually.
Maybe later today. Maybe Tuesday.
Apparently my body gets a vote.
I keep talking about the stages of grief in these posts, and I’m starting to wonder if we’ve stumbled into anger.
Is this anger?
Because I’m pretty fucking irritated with everything tonight.
I’m angry that my mom is dead. I’m angry that there are so many things left behind for me to handle. I’m angry that I have to do things I don’t want to do. I’m angry that I finally asked someone to stand next to me while I did one of those things and I’m still going to have to stand there alone.
I’m even angry that I can’t fucking sleep.
Maybe this is part of it.
Maybe anger doesn’t always look like screaming at the universe about death. Maybe sometimes it’s lying in bed at two in the morning with a stomach ache, a restless brain, a hurting body and an irrational amount of rage toward county bureaucracy.
I don’t know.
I’m not particularly interested in figuring it out tonight.
Tonight I’m uncomfortable. I’m restless. I’m pissed off. I’m sad underneath all of that, because apparently sadness has decided it’s going to live underneath every other emotion for a while.
And I really, really need my stupid brain to shut the hell up.
So that’s tonight’s update.
No lesson.
No inspirational ending.
No attempt to turn this into some profound observation about grief.
It’s 2 a.m.
I can’t sleep.
My stomach hurts.
I don’t want to go downtown alone.
And I’m fucking angry.
Fuck it all.
Goodnight.
Hopefully.